Fall afternoon. Crisp. Sun shining . I taste the salt in the sweat trickling down your face. As always, happy you’re home. Your eyes mesmerize me.
I miss you coming out of the shower, cutting up an apple and dipping it in almond butter. Grabbing the bowl before turning on the TV to watch Halt & Catch Fire. Leaning over, kissing me to say “hi.”
I miss what never existed. I miss what I wanted it to be, but never was. I miss the illusion of love. I miss feeling I found my respite. But I miss me more.
Stop the charade and let me go. Stop the games. Stop the lies. Stop the character assassination. I’m tired, but you know I will fight you till the end, and I will win because truth always does.
I will bring down your house of cards. No, not because I want to “hurt you.” No no, that doesn’t work anymore. I owe it to myself to gain back the respect I let you rob. I owe it to myself to stand up to the chaos you create instead of carrying it. I owe it to myself to love me over you.
Let me go so you can move on to and let her show you the trails. Let me go so you can talk about bikes and all the places you’ll go in the winter. Let me go so you can move forward to destroying another life. Let me go so you can move from love bombing to devaluing.
Let me go so I can get as away far from you as possible. So I can scrub my skin raw to cleanse the filth you’ve left behind. So I can scrub until blood pours out so I can forget your touch. So I can remove the parts of my brain that you are etched in. Let me go so I can move towards never seeing your eyes again.
Without reason you broke me. Without reason you humiliated me. Without reason you took my innocence. Without reason you crushed my joy. Without reason you took my freedom. Without reason you made me a prisoner of your fears. Without reason you stole my hope. Without reason you killed my inner child, broke my soul, crushed my heart, seized my dignity, stole my sense of curiosity and when that wasn’t enough you poured acid over me to destroy me once and for all .
You raped my heart. You raped my soul. You gutted me without care. I am a mother, a woman, a friend. I somebody’s daughter. But none of that mattered. Only you matter.
I owe it to myself not to give up. I owe it to myself to bring down your house of cards once and for all, and leave you exposed so that maybe then, you will think twice about omissions and lies. Maybe then you will think about the words that slip your tongue.
Let me go so I can forget your vile existence and relearn to kiss the joy as it flies.