Love

47579018_553666805099747_3015673684447723520_nDecember 8, 2018 is the night I buried my abuser.  As his new relationship developed, it allowed for insight into his behavior with another person, and how it didn’t differ from the beginning of our relationship. Instead of feeling sad, I cringed and felt sad to have not thought more of myself.  .

Now, let’s get to what I really want to talk about…

I am not sure I can convey the lightness I feel – feeling so good after such a heavy movie, A Star Is Born, is not typical for me but despite the heartbreaking end, it brought up emotions I didn’t know I felt and I cried like I haven’t in a long time.

The movie depicted love.  True love.  Two imperfect people who fall in love.  The intimacy of each scene was intense and one of the most visually beautiful movies I have ever seen that captured love but provided a window to see what true and real love is – Of course this is subjective but it spoke to me telling me what I needed to hear at this moment in time.  It captures falling in love from the beginning of the journey to the ugly moments between two people.  It  conveyed the vulnerability of being in love in a way I have never seen depicted.  I bet you’re asking how is that related to burying my abuser…I’m not sure I can explain…the relationship with the abuser wasn’t real because he wasn’t real and that is where I have had the most difficult time reconciling.  It’s hard to stomach having been with someone who never gave a damn about your well being. Accepting that has been the hardest part of this process. It was during the very last scene that I realized I didn’t feel any of the feelings the character was saying with my abuser because what we had wasn’t love.

What we had was ugliness and the opposite of love because when you love, you don’t intentionally do things to hurt people and if we hurt each other, we have remorse. Only those who don’t have a conscious don’t feel remorse. So, even though my mind has been aware of this for a long time, my heart wasn’t able to accept it, but I finally got there…Hope I’m making sense.  I feel free. I feel so so free.

Love is beautiful.  Love doesn’t need to be complicated.  Love in its purest form, even with complexities each partner brings isn’t what I experienced in the relationship with the abuser. From our very first date he lied.  Just like he is doing now in his current relationship. He lied to me, he lied to his ex wife, and he is lying to his current supplier.  How can anyone ever feel vulnerability when they are constantly lying?

I needed to see a depiction of what love really is, or what I see love to be for my mind and heart to merge and accept in full that what he and I shared was not love, even when things were “fun,”it still wasn’t love.  And with that I felt hopeful knowing I am at least capable of love, and for a quick second I felt sad for him because he will never know that kind of love because at the end of the day, men like him are scared little boys inside a grown ups body not knowing how to feel the pain that causes them to hurt innocent people. People who love one another don’t tell the other when they are at their lowest to kill themselves to put them out of their misery.  I am a mother. A friend.  I am somebody’s daughter, but for him I am nothing.

What I know for sure is that what we had was not love. And just like that, I buried him and.  He isn’t real and is not longer worthy of my time.  The heart and mind finally merged and once again I remembered that good happens and that life’s joys, no matter how small, are worth kissing.

Peace.

I love this song because it helped me realize I have never experienced such love and I’m looking forward to when it happens.
I’ll Never Love Again
Wish I could, I could’ve said goodbye
I would’ve said what I wanted to
Maybe even cried for you
If I knew it would be the last time
I would’ve broke my heart in two
Tryin’ to save a part of you
Don’t wanna feel another touch
Don’t wanna start another fire
Don’t wanna know another kiss
No other name falling off my lips
Don’t wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won’t even let the sunlight in
No, I’ll never love again
I’ll never love again, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we first met
I never thought that I would fall
I never thought that I’d find myself
Lying in your arms
And I want to pretend that it’s not true
Oh baby, that you’re gone
‘Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning
And I’m not moving on
Don’t wanna feel another touch
Don’t wanna start another fire
Don’t wanna know another kiss
No other name falling off my lips
Don’t wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won’t even let the sunlight in
No, I’ll never love
I don’t wanna know this feeling
Unless it’s you and me
I don’t wanna waste a moment, ooh
And I don’t wanna give somebody else the better part of me
I would rather wait for you, ooh
Don’t wanna feel another touch
Don’t wanna start another fire
Don’t wanna know another kiss
Baby, unless they are your lips
Don’t wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Don’t let another day begin
Won’t let the sunlight in
Oh, I’ll never love again
Never love again
Never love again
Oh, I’ll never love again

 

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