I went for a walk/run today on the national mall today – Something I loved to do – Sadly, running continues to be a struggle due to the extreme nausea I still experience. The nausea is one of the ways my brain now reacts to discomfort/being pushed since the trauma was so severe, plus it no longer has my otolith to communicate with.
So today, instead of getting angry that I was nauseous, I felt compassion for it by looking at it as my body’s way of trying to discharge/shed/discard/ expel his venom out of my body. I decided the nausea is my body’s way of releasing his fluids that entered me for 5.5 years. It’s my body’s way of shedding my skin he touched. It’s my systems way of ridding the evil from my soul. The perpetrator emotionally raped and gutted me, he took my sense of self when he gaslighted me so the the nausea is now my body’s way to expel the perpetrator and the evil he brought into my life.
And just like that I emotionally disconnected from the anger that takes over when the nausea takes over and stops me from living my life. Adjusting my reaction to the nausea helped me stay in the moment and accept and tolerate where I am. I learned today that I must respect and honor my brain and body and the trauma it endured and be patient with what it needs to heal. It will never be what it was and that’s something we have to continue to try and accept and make peace with it.