A few days ago I shared the transition in my attitude in way of adjusting my view of the nausea that comes on when my brain trying to cope with the damage the perpetrator caused it. Since Tuesday, I’ve had more flashbacks, and cried plenty, including today, during Equine Therapy while riding Mirabelle after the instructor told us to close our eyes, which is difficult for me to do since he destroyed I my right side. (…otolith dysfunction is a common finding in individuals with a history of head trauma/blast exposure….may be a significant health concern for the Veteran population, and determining optimal intervention strategies for otolith dysfunction is important for VA healthcare. The purpose of this project is to compare the effectiveness of standard vestibular rehabilitation compared to a novel treatment approach, centrifugation, in the treatment of individuals with otolith dysfunction”) Yes, the perpetrator caused the type of damage to my inner ear that is typical for war veterans. That should tell you the force he threw me with, and the injustice in the system to have let him get away with lesser charges, but that’s a whole other story that I hope to address once I have more time. I am determined to make a positive come from this tragedy so no other person will ever have to suffer as I am.
In the meantime, I continue to process various parts of the trauma. Vision therapy has been triggering so much so that it leaves me raw for days. After Tuesday’s epiphany, during Physical Therapy I was back at our apartment trapped in that corner with his hand on my neck and his rage in my face. Whatever crept up was about feeling trapped. I cried, dealt with it and moved on knowing I am far from done. It happened again Thursday during brain coaching. This time it was being thrown – it was hard – I cried, dealt with it and moved on, and then again today during Equine Therapy. The instructor asked that we close our eyes – That’s a struggle for me since the predator destroyed my right otolith – When Mirabelle moved quickly I opened my eyes in shock and began balling – cried as we went around the ring a couple of times, and was paralyzed and unable to get off when class was over- The instructor is always wonderful and supportive in how she handles my having a flashback – Always calm and allows me to feel what I need to, to process while making sure I know I am safe – I begun Equine Therapy to help with my vestibular trauma, and wasn’t expecting it to be helpfuf for PTSD, but as I’ve come to learn, horses are incredible animals. “The intuitive nature of horses can be easily understood as it is a prey animal. In order to survive it has to know the intentions of all those within its proximity. “Am I safe?” is a question the horse is constantly asking. The horse actually intuits whether or not it is safe, if it can trust those around it to support its safety and, rather than thoughtfully analyzing its situation, actually feels through its intuition the correctness of its actions. Even though humans obviously have innate intuition (inner voices, gut feelings, heart communication, conscience and the like), there is little understanding or knowledge of these things (our intuition). There is certainly very little written on the topic as it cannot be analyzed or measured, nor can it be scientifically proven by observation. There has been some very limited exploration of paranormal experiences related to intuition.”
Anyway, she let me cry while touching my leg and reminding me over and over again that I was safe, and to let it out, waiting for me to feel calm enough to get off Mirabelle without aid – I think in acknowledging my body and brain a sense of ease has emerged to allow for more of the trauma to be dealt with.
I don’t know…it just seems a lot has happened this week and it feels…I don’t know…just grateful for my medical team who is carrying me through this nightmare. I am lucky to have them on my side….I guess I’m looking at this opening as my system making room for more of his venom to come out. To exorcise his evil from my system. To expel his filth…that’s how I look at what’s happening and will continue to welcome more so I can move on.