How he emotionally raped me.

A few days ago I began to delete all of our photos.  Deep Breath…he used photos and social media to set my worth.  He used them to punish and reward…I was so happy and so in love…too bad none of it was real.

He has replaced me with a new supply source, just as I was replaced his wife – The smile on her face is identical to mine, which was identical to his ex wife’s in the beginning of their relationship.  She’s just as giddy, excited, on top of the world, feeling InVincible, with the desire to let the world know she’s in love with her soulmate because she’s special. I acted the same foolish way.  I now understand why the ex wife had such a hard time moving forward and empathize for what she went through, and wish I would have listened to her, and his mother when each warmed me, with his mother telling me I didn’t know what I was getting into.  She was so right because I didn’t have a clue her son was the devil in disguise.

“Informed consent?  A term from research that comes from scientists exploiting their subjects by not telling them what they were going to be doing to them ahead of time so they had the freedom to participate or not based on having knowledge of what they were getting themselves into.  Because of some really bad medical and psychological research that happened in the last century, Institutional Review Boards were developed to review all proposed research to make sure that human subjects would be treated humanely and one tenet was that all of the people had to give their consent to participate and you couldn’t do anything that might harm them.” Kristen Milstead goes on to say  “getting into a relationship is kind of the same idea.  They aren’t showing us their true selves, they play mind games, carry on multiple lives, and we don’t find these things out until much later.  If we had known at the outset, we would never have gotten involved.  They are able to get things from us they wouldn’t normally be able to get, things that benefit them and hurt us, because they never had our informed consent to enter into this unequal relationship that they set up that way from the beginning.  We didn’t know it; we believed the lies they told us and the expectation that the person that they put in front of us was real.”

Once again this incredibly talented individual crawled inside my head, verbalized feelings and thoughts I can’t yet sit still with or put together, let alone process, and expressed how exactly what I feels in describing why I feel invaded and emotionally gutted and raped – By misrepresenting who he was, he took away my the choice to choose.  The man lied to me from the moment we met when he lied about about he and his ex wife being in agreement to divorce.  He was dishonest about where and who he was spending his Christmas with.  He was dishonest about how he was representing me to to others.  He was dishonest about conveying the truth about sensitive issues to his ex wife.  He lied to me and he lied to her.  Not only did he lie, he gaslighted when I would question the inconsistencies, which led to self doubt. He withheld love and affection and did exactly what his ex wife said he did to her; he gave me the silence treatment and withheld affection.  And, just like his new supply who is his new savior, being his mule and assuming she  stop talking to her.  I remember thinking it was her and that I was special and that it was her who was the problem.  One of the reasons why the new supply gets on my nerves as much as she does, is because she’s a reflection of me and the fool I was when I was with him.  Her need to post publicly advertising their “love” is nauseating and sad. She doesn’t realize, just as I didn’t realize that if you are secure in a relationship, you don’t need to advertise it to anyone.  He used social media to set my worth and I think he has gone over the top with announcing his relationship with her because he knows what it means to exhibit openness and he’s desperate not to be alone.  He needs to have someone in his life to admire him and she is that.  I was that for 5.5 years and his ex wife filled that role before me.  Monsters like him can’t stand to be alone so he justified being with me by blaming his ex wife for the failure of their marriage, the same way he is justifying being with the new supply.  She bought it just as I bought it – Just as his ex wife was unstable, today I am unstable, and tomorrow the new supply will be unstable.  I wasn’t spared and neither will they – Once the mules and the new supply are immersed in the legal arena, they will know exactly what it feels like to have been supportive of someone that doesn’t exist, and they will never be the same.

Since he visits here often and after he reads the post, he will begin to lay it on thick to the new supply source, telling her how special she is, how much he misses her, how special she is…I know because that’s how he operates – that’s his pattern.  He would always be more into me after his ex or his mother would scold him. He used me to regulate himself – took me a while to put two and two together but it was all part of his “act” to play victim.  That’s why it all feels so filthy…

Only a monster and a man without a conscious could humiliate in one breath and in the next be so loving.  That’s how I became his slave, unable to break free.  That’s how he broke me and that’s how he will break the new supply source and the ones that will come after her.  Our lives mean nothing to these monster.

You can find more of Kristen’s writing on fairytaleshadows.com – She is simply amazing.  Also look out for Unfit, a new documentary of  “mental health professionals and other concerned citizens who advocate Trump’s removal under the 25th Amendment on the grounds that he is psychologically unfit.” –

 

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