Pascal read my mind in expressing how proud I am of myself for continuing to stand up to the perpetrator who assaulted me, and unless you have experienced narcissistic abuse, you don’t understand the complexities of the aftermath especially since most of us are left feeling more alone because of how society judges us.
The perpetrator, the violent emotionally inept and disconnected abuser, damaged my brain, destroyed my inner ear, and hurt my children by taking the mother they once knew away from them. He has destroyed their sense of security and safety, yet he likes to believe my feelings towards him are because I still care about him – More than anything that’s what gets my blood boiling the most, and is something I will never forgive him for. So as he post selfies of himself laughing, I suffer because I can’t be the mom I was and my heart breaks for my kids because he destroyed a part of their childhood by what he did to me. It is pathetic that his posse needs to simplify and set aside the severity of the damages he caused in order to justify supporting a guy who is a violent monster.
What the monster is, is a boil on my ass that won’t go away – he disgusts me as a human being, a father, and man. My wish for a lobotomy to remove any trace of this vermine speaks for itself.
In the meantime, as he continues to hurt me and my children by using the system to try and control me, what I think, what I feel and what I can and can not say, I am going to continue to stand tall because truth conquers!
Stand tall, stand proud. Know that you are unique and magnificent. You do not need the approval of others. Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Yesterday, as I was walking in the park with a friend, in the middle of a storm, I came across a goose standing on top of a dead tree stump. The wind was howling, yet this goose was standing there having its feathers ruffled by the gale, not budging and looking pretty content with itself, unfazed by the adverse weather conditions. It was a stunning sight and I thought a good metaphor for my own situation.
In the midst and aftermath of the narcissistic abuse hurricane that devasted my life, there were many people who tried to blow me down. They blamed me, they made me feel weak and foolish. They thought that I had been the agent of my own demise, that I had “let myself be abused” and therefore should feel ashamed.
One of my best friends told me that she did not understand why I was writing my blog and admitting to the abuse. She thought I was too open, too forthcoming and honest and that it was extremely embarrassing for me and my children to admit to such a thing. She told me that my children might get teased because of my openness, that I should stop blogging about the abuse and talk about something else.
Not only did I have to fight the trauma of narcissistic abuse, I also had to battle the prejudices and bigotry of other people. They thought they would never have let themselves into the turmoil of a toxic relationship. They thought it was my fault because I had ignored the warning signs. They thought they knew better. They though that my struggling to heal was just a storm in a teacup and that I was just “feeling sorry for myself.”
However, whatever they say, I am not embarrassed. I am not ashamed. People can blame me, shame me, condemn me but I will not rescind, I will not yield to their judgement. Like that goose in the storm, I am standing tall, proud of the fact that I was strong enough to survive narcissistic abuse, proud that I have the courage to talk about my experience and proud that I am unabashed by naysayers.
I am proud to be me. I am standing tall.